One for all your megalomaniacs out there, as German tuning firm Techart ramps the Porsche Cayenne Turbo up to ludicrous speed with a new upgrade package.
Given the snappy name of the Powerkit TA058/T2, this little beauty lobs another 180hp and 170Nm - the sort of figures that on their own might constitute a decent warm hatch - at the big Porker SUV. The resultant outputs of 700hp and 920Nm equate to a machine that is bonkers quick: 0-100km/h takes 3.9 seconds (half a second quicker than the 520hp/750Nm 'standard' Cayenne Turbo); 0-160km/h, a frightening 9.1 seconds (10 seconds standard) and 0-200km/h is demolished in 13.8 seconds. Porsche itself doesn't even bother to quote a figure for this last sprint.
Techart has also calibrated the kit to deliver 'just' 640hp in normal driving, only kicking out the full 700hp when the Cayenne Turbo's standard-fit Sport button is pressed. Maximum power comes between 5,400- and 6,000rpm, while peak torque is available from 4,400- to 5,300rpm. Top speed, if you specify either 22- or 23-inch wheels, is 308km/h, although the 21-inch wheels mean a 300km/h limiter has to be imposed. Oh, what a pity. The regular Cayenne Turbo, for reference, tops out at 279km/h.
The kit includes a load of Techart goodies, such as a sport air filter, exhaust manifolds, turbochargers, oil and water pipes, the firm's Techtronic engine management, a wiring harness, and all the necessary mounting hardware and installation instructions (that's right, you can fit this at home, if you're feeling brave). And the cost? In Germany, an astonishing €29,155. No, don't bother emailing us to sack the sub - you read that number correctly.
Anything else?
Some more bits and pieces regarding this bonkers kit: it apparently only increases fuel consumption and CO2 emissions by 'less than 1 per cent' compared to the standard Turbo; you can fit the kit to a car with an OE exhaust system but there is an optional Techart Sports exhaust with carbon-fibre tailpipe finishers if you want it; and the 700hp kit will be a key part of the forthcoming new Magnum, which is Techart's, er... idiosyncratic styling take on the Cayenne, a car which strains the eyes as it is.
And if the 700hp TA058/T2 sounds too much, you can opt for a TA058/T1 which only hikes power by 80hp to 600hp in total, with torque up 90Nm to 840Nm. There's also a TA058/SD1 upgrade for the 385hp/850Nm Cayenne S Diesel, its 4.2-litre V8 improved by 35hp and 100Nm to 420hp/950Nm overall. Techart doesn't quote prices for either of these but expect them to be a lot less than the TA058/T2.