And lo, it came to pass, that the many should purchase the hordes of Focus, Golf and Auris while the few, the treasured few, would becalm themselves and enter unto the Alfa Romeo dealership, there to place gold into the hands of a seller of Giuliettas.
And much was the wailing and the anguish at the payment of various taxes and nefarious levies. Why, called the crowd to those on high, must we be debased with the scourge of VAT on top? Is this not an abomination before the Lord?
So it was that a man came from Galilee, known as Jesus of Nazareth and while the thousand years to come and the thousand years to come again would be wrought by war and arguments over what He said, what He meant and what we should all make of it, one question troubled His flock above all. What really would Jesus drive?
Many were the voices that came from the West that sayeth Jesus would drive a Toyota Prius. Good were the omens for this, for is not the Prius a saviour of the planet? A righter of automotive wrongs? Does not the Prius bring salvation to the fevered brow of the environmentalist, joy to the heart of the sandal-wearers?
The scriptures show that Jesus was born and lived under the rule of the great Roman general Ceaser though, so it must surely be that a car made in Italy would be His choice. Did not Peter build the church of Jesus in Rome itself, after all? Are not the Romans the great artificers, able to create both the oil of Balsamic and the V12 of Ferrari? Doth not the sound of a Lamborghini V10 at 6,000rpm make the walls of Jericho tremble and will not the touch of His Holiness Enzo the First heal the sick and make the blind walk? But not a Ferrari or Lamborghini or Maserati for the Son of God. No. God born a man was also born into a poor, working class family, the son of a carpenter, so a Fiat 500 would He drive, and the cabriolet model must it be so that He can carry the occasional length of 2x4 for His dad.
But nay, sayeth others. Was Jesus not a wandering preacher, sayeth they? Had not He long, flowing blonde hair and could He not suspend Himself above the water? Liketh he not parties also, changing the water to wine in Cana? A surfer-dude clearly was He sayeth they, so only the one true Volkswagen Type 2 Camper Van is the one true car of Jesus.
Long were the struggles between the Priusts, the Camperians and the Cinquecentoites. Many were the arguments and few the agreements. All that could be agreed was that Jesus would render his road tax unto Ceaser and that He thought a community rating for car insurance ("Do unto others as you would have done unto you") should be written into the scriptures.
Finally, the Lord drew back the clouds of arguments and covered over the pub table of disagreement and the true car of Jesus was revealed. Every car would be the car of Jesus, for doth not he love them all? Did not Saint Paul himself, writing to the Corinthians say "Therefore judge nothing before the time, until the Lord come, who both will bring to light the hidden things of darkness, and will make manifest the counsels of the hearts: and then shall every man have praise of God."
Prophets of other faiths were not pleased by this utterance though, and continued to ally themselves closely to one car or another. The prophet of Islam, Mohammed, was too a man of His people, who would oft trek to a distant cave in the mountains to hear the word of God spoken unto him. Only a Toyota Land Cruiser V8 would suffice for this, whilst the seats of folding in the boot would help carry His followers on the pilgrimage to Mecca, where costeth the litre of petrol but 15 of the pence of Britannia.
The great God Jehovah was different again. One, indivisible and incomparable, Jehovah, His followers are taught, is also incomprehensible and unknowable. Driveth he then a Bugatti Veyron. None other is like it, nor more powerful a car is there, no matter what sayeth the heathen followers of Hennessey.
But, sayeth the many unbelievers, hath not the Devil all the best songs? Will not he who must not be named have also the best car? No, sayeth the lenders of money. The Devil walks the Earth, sayeth they, and maketh others drive for his amusement. Besides, if the Devil is in charge of Formula One, then others can he make to drive him around...
At last, what cometh of the unbelievers? To which maker of cars should turneth they when shopping? Those who have no God still worship at the feet of he they consider holiest, and so it was that Richard Dawkins did drive a Tesla. And great was his wrath when runneth out of juice did it.
Amen.