According to the Mayan Long Count Calendar (a gift to the Mayan people from the local Chinese takeaway we believe) the world will cease to be today, on December 21 2012. While it is nice to know when you and the rest of the world’s population will come to an end, the calendar has not given any information as to how the world will finish.
Recent research from Doctor Professor Professor Doctor Iva Madethisup and Professor Doctor Doctor Professor Iku Ofenant of the University of Titicaca’s Centre for Research and Partying (CRAP) reveal that the end of days will not be brought around instantaneously by a meteor striking the Earth but will rather be a long drawn out process known as the Zombie Apocalypse. The zombies will roam the earth until at least New Year’s Day bearing gifts wrapped in brightly coloured paper to entice people to accept them into their homes, whereby they will gorge on all of the occupants' food and drink (including the 'good’ sherry that only gets brought out at Christmas) before turning on the occupants themselves.
To save our readers from this grisly fate we have compiled a list of the top five cars needed to make it to January 1 and thereby survive the Zombie Apocalypse:
Land Rover Defender
Tough enough for the Ministry of Defence to employ in hostile areas like Afghanistan, Iraq and London, the beauty of the Defender is that it can drive through areas that normal SUVs cannot and even if they do break down they can be repaired with a piece of old chewing gum, some nylon tights and a hammer. For true Zombie Apocalypse effect we would recommend getting a model with snorkel, lift kit, bull bars and extra driving lights - driving over hordes of zombies could be dangerous otherwise. Whether you opt for a regular or long wheelbase Station Wagon model all depends on how much you love your family!
Bugatti Veyron
While the Defender allows you to stand and fight the zombie horde (or drive over them at least) there is no shame in running away from the ravenous brain eaters as quickly as possible and as it stands there is no quicker way of travelling on public roads than behind the wheel of a Bugatti Veyron. One possible issue is that the Veyron’s 8.0-litre, quad-turbocharged, W16 engine has quite a prodigious thirst for fuel and while cooler looking, we would recommend you steer clear of the convertible Grand Sport models. Zombies they may be, but even the un-dead can get to you through an open roof.
Bowler Wildcat
The Bowler Wildcat covers both sides of the human 'fight or flight’ response in being a hardcore off-road vehicle (loosely based on the Defender) but with a stonking big V8 engine under the bonnet. This combination will allow you to happily do donuts over a smaller horde of zombies before fleeing at high speed when back up arrives. If possible try to find one powered by the later supercharged Jaguar engine rather than the earlier TVR one that breaks down every few metres.
TVR Tuscan
Yes we are of course aware that we have just recommended you avoid the TVR-engined Wildcat due to its reliability issues, but while the Tuscan will invariably break down all the time you will still be safe within it. That is because the Tuscan has the most confusing door opening mechanism in the world. While a horde of zombies will invariably swarm around the sports car as you try to restart it for the third time in half a kilometre they will be unable to gain access to the occupants. We do recommend you familiarise yourself with the mechanism of getting out of the car (for when you make it to January 1) as this can be even more confusing than getting in and could leave you trapped without so much as reheated turkey curry to sustain you.
Toyota Corolla
Since the announcement that the company that made Twinkies has gone bankrupt and will therefore no longer be making the "Golden Sponge Cake with Creamy Filling" there are now only two things in the world that will survive a nuclear strike: the cockroach and the Toyota Corolla. While infinitely worse than a nuclear strike we are confident that the Corolla will also make it through the Zombie Apocalypse. Thankfully, with over 39 million examples sold since 1966, there should be no problem finding one. Note: the Auris, which replaced the Corolla hatchback in many markets, is not indestructible and owners are instead advised to track down a mid-nineties Corolla model, ideally with faded red paint and only three hubcaps.