Afternoon all. Captain Buzzkill here to selflessly steer you through the minefield of April Fools' day 'jokes' that the car industry has seen fit to foist upon us this year. Who are these faceless, sense of humour bypassed corporations to decide once a year to be funny? Bloody nerve of them!
First up is Nissan with the GYM button. On the face of it, this is actually a relevant technology as it allows the driver to fight the flab by disabling systems such as power steering and electric windows while also increasing the force required to operate the clutch, brake and accelerator pedals. 'Available' on the X-Trail and Qashqai models these changes are said to equate to a 1,451-calorie workout per week. Or you could just walk...
While you are walking, you may want to look out for the Vauxhall (Nee Opel) Taxi Kebabi. Based on the passenger version of the Vivaro van, the Kebabi features two gas-fired spit rotisserie grills, salad bowls integrated into the arm rests, chilli dispensers, a tasty selection of sauces and a driving team of Justin Trafik and Jason Donervan. Designed to bridge the gap between late night kebab and taxi the Kebabi also features easy clean vinyl seat and floor coverings so you can eat on the go. According to either Vauxhall rep April Fulls or Pieter Bred, the UK spokesperson for Britain's High Street Kebab Association (we forget who) the Taxi Kebabi "really gives customers something to sink their teeth in to." How droll!
Staying with the vans Mercedes-AMG announced the Sprinter63 S, a regular looking Sprinter van fitted with a 510hp bi-turbo V8. Wait, are we sure this in an April Fool's? Sounds like just the kind of niche one of the German Big Three would try to fill. The loadspace of the Sprinter63 S is enough that it could carry not one but two Volkswagen Caddy Maxi Mini - a squashed version of the Caddy that is about as useful as a chocolate teapot.
The 2.4-metre long micro van has enough loadspace for a toolbox or a Labrador but not both together, that would be asking too much of a van.
More useful but equally as likely is the Skoda Fabia ShadeChange, essentially a mood ring on four wheels. A special coating in the paint layer allows owners to change the colour of the whole car (or individual panels) at the touch of a button. Skoda mistakenly claims that the element unobtanium is newly discovered. Maybe in Slovakia it is, but this rare element has been used in aeronautical applications since the 1950's and was used in the construction of Penske race cars in the 1970's. Admittedly, this is the first instance of unobtanium's colour changing ability; usually it is used because of its lightness and durability. Unobtanium is closely related to adamantium, the element found in Wolverine's skeleton and claws.
At least unobtanium sounds better than the ethylene-propylen-dien rubber BMW used for its rugby mouthguard. Yes, you read that right. Featuring the famous kidney grille and propeller roundel of the Bavarian company, the mouthguard was tested by England rugby player Chris Robshaw during the RBS Six Nations - which probably explains why Ireland won. Robshaw is said to make `18 impressive tackles a game. Sean O'Brien does that in the average ruck and ...oh look Sean O'Brien just tackled you and his Kia Sorrento is coming to retrieve him such is the Carlow man's power over the natural world.
In fact, so powerful is O'Brien that he could kick the ass of James Bond, Daniel Craig and the look alike that Lotus hired to touch up one of its cars. And we mean touch up in the sexual harassment sense rather than the car detailing one. We are not quite sure who Lotus are trying to fool with this or, given Lotus' legendary zaniness, whether they even did it for April 1st, but we do love the fact that the Evora is wearing the same license plate as Roger Moore's Esprit submarine.
There now exists a group of people who are scratching their head wondering what the hell a Roger Moore is. Those who attribute names to groups of people have dubbed them the Millennials and Honda is hoping a limited edition version of the HR-V crossover will appeal to them. The HR-V #Selfie Edition is equipped with 10 cameras dotted around the car with which selfies can be taken. Why you would want to take a picture of yourself I will never know - that is what mirrors are for. Which reminds me, I'm off to admire myself in the reflective glass of the local shop, toodles.